Have you ever met someone who was addicted to complaining?¹ Someone in a perpetual state of not necessarily anger but dissatisfaction. With everything! These people are draining. When I can’t avoid them, I’ve mastered ending conversations with these people with a succinct “oh ok” and swift subject change. It’s my nature² to look for solutions instead of talking in circles about whatever the issue may be. To be fair, there are times when people simply need to vent. But for their sanity and whoever they’re venting to, there should be a time limit on simply venting. How can you ever move past the problem if you’re constantly looking backward at it instead of forwards towards a solution?

Be Undeniable

I firmly believe that we are the sum of our choices. As a Black man in America, I’m entirely aware of the history of Black people in this country from the time our ancestors stepped off slave ships up until now. There are still some people³ who see us as less than just because of the color of our skin. These people are simply ignorant. That being said, there has been enough progress made in tearing down systems that were put in place solely to restrict our access and ability to succeed in life. My mother always told me you need to be twice as good as many Black parents told their children. I still believe this to be true. President Barrack Obama, one of the best of us, and Donald Trump, a horrible person through and through, proves this to be true. Removing their names from their resumes for President and one is a viable candidate, the other would be looked at as a joke. However, both became President because this is America. Yes, the “good old boy” networks still exist. However, we can still reach the highest office in the land and the most powerful position in the world.

There are more than enough examples of great Black women & men throughout history. Not just U.S. history, but world history. It’s really not until our recent history that our culture shifted and began to glorify the worst parts of it. I’m not a conspiracy theorist, but I believe this has a lot to do with the governments’ treatment of pro-Black groups such as the Black Panther Party and the music industry choice to elevate and promote one segment of hip-hop⁴. Also, I believe the internet has completely changed our access to knowledge and the ability to advance ourselves in life. Apple has a weekly Screen Time notification that shows users precisely to the minute how they spent their time and in what apps. A smartphone literally contains all of human history and knowledge dating back to the beginning of time. Yet, social media apps dominate our usage rates⁵. How you spend your time is your choice.

Be Thoughtful

As a parent, we focus on our children’s happiness. Babies crying? Find the pacifier. Toddler temper tantrum? Make a funny face or give him his favorite toy⁶. Christmas morning? The tree has to be filled with gifts, but not just any gifts, the gifts that they actually want and will be excited over. And all of this is ok. It’s part of our job as parents. However, what I’m still trying to learn is how to teach my sons⁷ that their happiness is their choice. If I see my oldest start to get frustrated, I know he will stop processing & problem solving whatever is triggering his frustration. I say, “Take a deep breath. Get it together.” I’ve even introduced him to meditation already. Processing his emotions and problem solving are critical life skills. We all know adults who are incapable of either. I don’t believe one can be successful in life, both professionally and personally, without the ability to do both.

For now, I point to examples like challenging video game levels⁸ tried and repeatedly failed to beat. And remind him of the feeling of when he finally beat it after getting frustrated and wanting to give up. Or something simple as fearing jumping off a high point of a playground. And reminding him of how he worked up the courage to finally take the leap, and he landed and was just fine. All of these are little lessons in courage, perseverance, and believing in yourself. My goal is to have him understand that he is capable and was born with the tools to overcome any obstacle he faces. Everything he needs is already within him. He simply has to choose to access and apply it.

Be at Peace

Often, people blame why they haven’t accomplished or achieved the things they think they are capable of on “them”. I don’t subscribe to this whatsoever. Personal accountability is essential to one’s success in life. As my parents told me when I went to college, “no one is there to make sure you do your homework anymore.”⁹ If you think about it, this applies to our entire life. Often the biggest hurdle we need to overcome is ourselves. Our willpower is our superpower.

Peace is happiness at rest, and happiness is peace in motion.

Naval Ravikant, The Almanack of Naval Ravikant: A guide to wealth and happiness

We are the sum of our choices. No one else has as much impact on the direction of our lives as we do. You can be whatever you choose to be. You simply have to choose to be it. Order your steps and pursue your chosen path with conviction. No matter what you choose, be sure to choose to put your peace and your happiness first.

1. My sister-in-law Dominique was the first person I ever heard use the phrase “addicted to complaining.” After I heard it, a list of people who were precisely that popped into my head! [↩]
2. And profession. [↩]
3. Far too many [↩]
4. Two posts for another day. [↩]
5. I will now step down off my soapbox. Thank you. [↩]
6. Don’t feel guilty if this means to give him his iPad and favorite YouTube show! Blippi! [↩]
7. Ethan, in particular at the moment. Lennox is currently a terrorist who does whatever he wants that makes him happy! [↩]
8. We both! [↩]
9. I still was a terrible student in undergrad. My focus was elsewhere. [↩]